Stupid Girls

Friday, July 09, 2004

Something, and Something Else

You are reading

Well, I know what the big Something is now. I'd pretty much figured it out, anyway. She dropped enough hints, for cryin' out loud, testing me, to see how I'd respond or react.

It's a big Something, all right.

I'm crazier about her than I was before The Conversation, of course.

Because she's brave and brilliant and true to herself, no matter what.

I held her tight for dear life and told her, "I was so afraid I'd lose you!" I even wept, just a little. I wouldn't let her go. I asked her to let me have time to get used to the fact that she was really here, in my arms.

She's so precious to me. I can't say enough what a Gift she is!

Oh, I'd love to lean on her, sure. But I'm fighting every unhealthy impulse I have, to be an equal to her. And I told her so.

I also told her I have a feeling about her I've had only with life long friends. I'm absolutely sure I'm going to love her always. I don't know what that will look like. I know I've felt strong, erotic impulses for every one of these dearest friends, whether I've acted on them, or not.

She lingered. It's one in the morning, and she just left.

She didn't want to leave and I didn't want her to go.

I know I'm right about her.

It's just going to take time for her to know if she can trust me or not.

And it's going to take time for me to heal enough, repair my life enough, so I feel equal.

She's a huge spirit. Every time I think I've got her contained in my mind, she says or does something utterly unexpected that just delights me.

It's like a treasure box. She exposes some trinket, some momento, and I get all excited and say, "I've got one of those, too!"

She's one of the most gentle, yet most fierce, women I've met in a very long time.

And that makes her like air, like water, like food to me. She nourishes my Best Stuff, the stuff I had to pretend wasn't there, so I could survive. The stuff I'm desperately struggling to get back.

I'm terribly proud of her.

She moves me to my core. I'm not kidding when I say my breast bone aches to feel her pressed against me.

So, I'll fix my teeth. I'll earn a living. I'll take care of my business.

Because a woman like that deserves nothing less than an equal.

And, despite my damage, injuries and illnesses, I AM her equal.

And that says a LOT about BOTH of us!

The Small People, the superficial and small and cynical, will never know true Beauty.

They can't even see her.

Of course, she's good at disguise, too. She lets them not see her.

I told you she's smart.

But I see her. I saw her before this Conversation about the Something I knew was obscuring my view of her.

I'm really crazy about her. That's not going away any time soon. I wonder if it'll ever go away.

I still remember her, standing in the moonlight. I still remember how deeply she moved me.

I really treasure this.

I don't know how this happened, or why.

I'm humbled and awed. And I'm SO grateful!

Now, I suppose some of you are waiting for a party update, and you'll get it.

But, as you can imagine, it's been a VERY busy day and I'm VERY tired.

It seems to have been a raging success and the Albuquerque Ya Ya Sisterhood was totally outrageous, silly, smart, funny and just plain wild!

I have girl friends, a possible girl friend, my Self (my BEST friend).

I'm getting my life back.

I'm a very lucky woman.