Oh, how I try!
Sometimes, I say to myself, I say, "Earnie, get off my back!" no no...
that's wrong.
My god, there are ants on my sofa! They tickle!
I say to myself, "you can toss that cigarette butt; everybody else does.
You can lie to Healthcare for the Homeless & they'll fix your teeth;
everybody else does. You can steal just this one, little thing;
everybody else does..."
But, when I really look at "everybody else," I see what it does to them
and I hate it. I kinda feel sorry for them, but mostly, I can't help
feeling a bit disgusted and angry.
Maybe I just like thinking I'm better than them, so I don't have to deal
with them, I don't know.
But when ever I try to cheat, it makes me unhappy. Once in awhile, if
I'm desperate, I'll toss a butt in the street. Usually, it's because it
was burning my fingers while I was manouvering the scooter through
something difficult or dangerous.
So, within a block or two, once the emergency/crisis/traffic jam is
over, there I'll be, at some bus stop, picking up dozens of butts to
make up for my one...
'course, maybe I'm just nuts?
See, you're a cool spot in this blistered heart of mine because you
understand the value of your quote. It's not some platitude ideal to
pretend to; it's daily life for you. It's not just a pretty decoration
on your wall; it's your way of walking in the world.
Every wholesome, strong, determined and creative fiber in me knows the
only way to get to the Other Side is Through.
Now, listen: I tried to make it clear before, so I'm saying this again
now:
I don't want anything unhealthy to grow between us. I don't want
ANYTHING between us!
I heard a song today in Walgreens. It was a love song, supposedly. The
person abdicated total responsibility for his life, putting it on his
love object. I've heard that song a thousand times and never really
listened 'til today, when I realized what you and I have is NOTHING like
what he was singing.
"God blessed me with you." It wasn't a matter of good judgment, doing
what's healthy for himself: she's a gift from Big Daddy.
"You make me feel..." Well, I found THAT so offensive, I sang out, "I
make me feel brand new..."
The song was seductive, at first, "my love, I'll never find the
words..." I could relate, somewhat.
But then, I realize this loser was
really saying, "I'm so out of touch with what I really need, I can't
even articulate what a paradigm shift it is in my consciousness to have
actually pulled my head out of my ass long enough to notice there's
another person on the planet and I wouldn't have done THAT if you
weren't so arousing that all I think about is doing you."
I relate to not finding words because, frankly, our model in this sick
culture is EXACTLY that drivel coming over the speakers in a PHARMACY:
drugs, don't you know....
We don't have very good language for healthy, egalitarian relationships.
Shoot, our Ideal is some masculinist concept of "two become one," which
sounds more like a Steven King novel, to me, than love.
So, I'm stumbling in the dark here, guaging my hormone levels and
engaging my intellect as I experience the spiritual transformation that
results from simply being honest with another person who's simply being
honest.
And words like, "whoa!" come to mind most easily.
The mantra of my connection to you is something about gratitude. No, I
don't know to whom I'm grateful. Obviously, I'm grateful to you, but how
did you get here, deep in my heart, like a pearl in an oyster?
And all I come back with, I'm grateful to myself for having the sense,
sensitivity, sensuality to have SEEN you, recognized you, opened to you,
offered my support and love to you.
It doesn't hurt that I'm a good cook and a great shopper, of course.
Especially since I can't win you over by KISSING you yet! sigh.
But that song in Walgreens today sent a cold and ominous chill through
me. This is how popular culture teaches people to love: be sick, be
needy, be incomplete, abdicate responsibility, put the source of you
feelings outside yourself, use others to feel better about yourself.....
No, my love, this is NOT a dysfunctional relationship!
Most sincerely,
myself
