Stupid Girls

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

facing The Monster

You are reading


You are reading

Dear ...,

I'm walking up to Roosevelt Park, circling it twice at a good pace and climbing back up that friggin' hill to my place, every morning, without stopping.

I hate it. It hurts like hell. I feel like I'm wearing pain hip boots.

I love it. It feels like energy. I feel like I'm getting my body back.

Thank you for reminding me I have a body.

Reasons not to walk:

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.� She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all.� If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country walking, start with a small country.
I don't walk.� It makes the ashes jump right off of my cigarette.

All my best,

Dear ...,

Sorry, should have said: jokes are not original, although I edited the cigarette one....

But I could certainly relate; it's a universal experience, apparantly....

Dear ...,

Yes, but the POINT is: I'm WALKING! HARD!

All that bragging, gone to waste...sigh.


PS: I haven't QUIT smoking, but I've reduced my consumption by half.
no longer allowed to smoke in the house; I smoke more, that way. I've been coughing up aliens for three days! By the time I climb the steep hill, I've pretty well cleared my lungs enough to gulp air.

I will be a nonsmoker. rr
Dear ...,

Porkchop 'bout knocks the gate down, when he sees me grab my water bottle!

These are the first steps in restoring myself. I'm planning to get full dental services. I'm planning to get that damn warrant for my arrest off my back, without getting arrested doing so. And I'm planning on INSISTING on a REAL diagnosis of my medical condition!

I've been scared to death to engage these toxic institutions, which are supposed to "help" me. They've nearly killed me, in the past.

I am completely committed to being "presentable" within a year. It's not going to be easy.

But I got a "do-over," which wouldn't be worth anything, if it came easy.

So, physical health is essential for all this.

I couldn't do it before. I had no moral support from friends & associates. I couldn't have survived the traps of The Systems without support.

It's only been since I walked into that station that I've met the people who are that support.

I can't imagine getting teeth pulled, interracting with cops & judges, getting probed.....etc. without having people who respect and care about me, so I could heal myself from the traumas this can cause.

I'm scared.

But I can never be an equal, as long as I have rotten teeth and dodge cops all the time.

I'm still trying, after two days of conscious effort, to pick up the damn PHONE and schedule a dental appointment! I'll do it, but it's a big deal.

Dear ....,

Right back atcha re: "gutsy broad."

I don't know how dental will look yet; will AFTER I CALL! LOL. It'll probably be months, 'til my first appointment, even.

As to legal: I'm going to ask L to ask the Courthouse some preliminary questions. Last time I went, they threatened to book me if I didn't leave, because I didn't have the three hundred forty dollars it takes, just to see the judge! The case will probably be dismissed; the Animal Control officer no longer works here. She told me this, herself, before moving to Arkansas.

The dental will be a huge, physical trauma. My incest involved forced, oral sex. I have a very sensitive gag reflex. I hope they can "knock me out" to remove my teeth, but, back in KY, Medicaid/Medicare wouldn't pay for anything but local anesthesia. I was conscious, as my tooth crumbled in the dentist's pliars and he shook and sweated, trying to extract the SHARDS! I vomitted violently at least a dozen times.

See, News Director's interferance in my personal health caused me even more distress; my standing at KUNM seemed dependent on allowing myself to be tortured, in order to be acceptable. News Director doesn't, of course, know what she was demanding of me. Neither does Program Director.

You're the only person on the planet who knows.

I'm going to be physically tortured, because that mentally ill stalker beat me in the head and broke the initial tooth!

He's the reason for the warrant, too. He stole my dog, so he'd have bait to capture me to rape. He stole the dog's tags, too.

The citation that went to warrant was for having my dog running loose, without tags.

As a result of ALL that, I lost my home.

So, I'm facing The Monster, square in the eyes: the worst trauma of my life. And it's going to retraumatize me now. I know it is. And I have to walk right up to it, willingly.

L might know someone who can offer some legal help. I've researched all this. Without a pro bono, volunteer attorney, I'll be forced to walk in there without legal representation.

I'm really scared.

But I'll do it.