Stupid Girls

Sunday, July 04, 2004


You are reading

Because I'm newly "coming out" again, and because I'm SO wide open, with this self-love process I'm in -- and because the woman for whom I feel SO much is self-protective and not yet "out," I have a proposal.

I was thinking about Boston Marriages just now.

I looked it up. It doesn't quite apply, mostly because it's exclusive, lifelong and has that damn word, "marriage," in it. But the feminism applies.

But, from that link, I found Romantic Friendships.

That's it: affectionate but not sexual.

These friendships, which span time and culture, are passionate, affectionate and committed.

I don't know what "committed" would look like in our case.

But here's my proposal.

I'm borrowing from the traditons of Handfasting. Some people say it's like a marriage, but it isn't. It's a ceremony, bonding people together for a year and a day.

At the end of that time, the people either unbind themselves, or renew the Handfasting for another year and a day.

It's a way of declaring intentions to another, or others, of commitment for that period. It needn't be exclusive.

It needn't include a promise of sexual consumation.

I'm also looking at something similar to a Betrothal, but not with a goal of "marriage" or sexual consumation in mind.

Here's my reasoning: I need a year to "prove" myself, to myself. I have serious work to do: money issues, body work, medical & dental care, legal issues, etc. In my current situation, I can't come to ANY relationship as a full equal. I just have too much catching up to do.

In the mean time, she has trust issues. It's her choice and decision, whether she works on these.

I feel a tremendous need to express affection toward her. I will feel self conscious, doing so, if I worry she suspects I'm trying to seduce her.

She is athletic; she knows her body. It occurs to me that physical affection might be a language her body can understand, and that it might actually help her learn to trust.

So, if the artificial barriers between us were removed, perhaps we could better bond.

I learn how to give, to be patient, to feel and think things through, to nurture and still take care of myself. With a sexual agenda removed from the experience, I won't have that intensity, distracting me from my other work.

She gets to receive touching, tenderness, gentleness, etc., without fear of demands and expectations being placed on her. So, she gets to trust someone to express affection, without demanding a "pay off."

I first told her the truth about my feelings on July 3rd. It was the same day we hiked the volcano.

I propose we court until July 3rd, 2005, return to the volcano at sunrise, and discuss where we go next.

I have a year to repair my body, gain some financial independence, restore my psychological health.

She has a year of whatever she needs to do.

But, during that year, when we spend time together, she can expect I'll be affectionate and demonstrative, without a hidden, sexual agenda.

She may even find it safe to express affection, herself. She may not.

But she says she needs and wants to work on her barriers and walls.

She's very brave and very strong. I think she'd avail herself of a well-defined opportunity to do her work.

My commitment is only that I get to experience this beautiful woman and express my affection to her in ways that feel safe and comfortable to both of us.

That way, we can FINALLY relax about all that, and enjoy learning to be comfortable with each other.

I will feel sexual energy for her. But, I'll be feeling sexual energy, anyway: I'm coming back to My Self; it's only natural.

I do not propose that we contract to be sexual a year from now. I do not propose that we commit to anything exclusive or long term.

I propose only that, during this next year, we enjoy each other without expectations. And I propose that we do so only when it's not an obligation or burden on either of us.

I want only what is willingly offered. I offer only what is willingly received.

I would like, for instance, to lay on a blanket, under the stars, telling each other our stories, as we embrace or hold hands.

I would like to feel free to kiss her hand or cheek, without fear she might read something demanding into it.

I would like to take the opportunity to really know this woman.

I would love the opportunity to let her get to know me.

She is a singlar and rare event in my life. She is a gift and a real blessing.

I would like to propose negotiating a nonbinding contract, for the next year, that we investigate the dimensions of our potential friendship, without the innocent gestures of affection seeming to be a threat or obligation.

I think this could work!

By the way, I highly recommend this site: