Stupid Girls

Sunday, July 25, 2004


You are reading

A singular shift has occurred between Grace and me. In less than a month, we've plunged deeper into each other's psyches than most people do in a lifetile.

I don't know why this has happened; neither does she. We agree, however, that we've done tremendous work, learning each other's "backstories" in a very short time. And we agree that this seems to indicate a future of very intense collaboration: creative, spiritual, personal.

We are more intimate with each other in this brief time than I've been with people I've known my whole life. And I mean people I trust with my most sacred stuff.

By "intimate," I do not mean sexual. I've already described the groundrules I suggested regarding sexuality. There will be none until and unless we pass through to next year whole, healthy and intact. Even then, we don't know if sexual intimacy is an option.

Given the collaboration we've agreed on today, my guess is that there will be no room for sexuality next year. We have serious work to do. Very serious.

We are saving our emails to one another, in order to begin this work. We each have, all along, anyway. I don't know if either of us knew why. She may have saved them as a "record," in case I proved to be unstable or dangerous, for all I know.

I saved them because I didn't save Marianna's, and dearly regret that. I saved them because I've known, almost from day one, that this connection between Grace and I was extraordinary and needed to be documented, in case we would one day feel safe telling our story, our stories.

Simultaneously, we've become much more affectionate and comfortable with each other. it's natural, logical and intrinsic to the work we're agreeing to do. We need to touch each other. We need to feel close to each other, in order to do this work.

I have literally spent the entire day with Grace. We never stopped talking. Stories upon stories flew from one mind to the other. We wept and laughed easily with each other.

We act together, now, as though we've known each other for years. It amazes both of us. We have actually developed a narrative short hand: the kind one sees in old, married couples. We can finish each other's sentences. We say three words, look at the other, and the other nods. We know what we mean.

Our personal histories seem, on first glance, very different from each other. But we're so far beyond superficial details, that doesn't matter. What we are about is the underlying emotional growth, the lessons we learned from what happened to us, our values and ethics as a result of those experiences, and their value to the larger culture. We understand each other. Deeply.

We see, in our stories, precious and vital tools for others to follow. Neither of us had role models. We each found our way in the dark. We are very strong and resourceful as a result. And we are both overcoming tremendous damage, as a result.

Each of us wishes to make our stories sources of power, rather than examples of victimization. Each of us knows our stories can save lives and change attitudes.

You won't be hearing many intimate details of this process in this blog from now on. it's too important to expose.

After the first of mext year, we'll begin, in earnest, to develop a creative project about this work. When the work is complete, it will be public. Until and unless we complete at least one project, its focus will be for us alone.

I am dead certain that this collaboration, this connection, this intimacy I have with this woman is part of the most important bodies of work I've ever engaged.

The scent of her hair lingers on my shoulder. Her voice still sounds in my ears. The delicary of her skin still vibrates on my fingers. And her stories fill my mind and heart with such profundity, I'm completely humbled.

Amazingly, she feels the same about me.

I am her champion; she is my hero.

I am right to love her.

My erotic and sensual attachment to her has helped melt the barriers between us. I am fierce in my loyalty. I am protective. I am open to her in ways I wouldn't, couldn't otherwise have been.

And my blunt honesty about that has reassured her that I'm authentic. I refuse to play games. I need to state my truth. She understands and respects that. i won't do crazy things to my head by holding back what I feel and think.

And this has given her permission to speak to me in ways she has been silenced for her entire life.

The more we know each other, the more respect we have for each other.

We have each lived in a solitary confinement, echoes of early hell. We had noone with whom to speak it.

Until now.

And now, we expose everything to each other, more every day.

it is terrifying and beautiful. We are not uncomfortable. We're simply dumbfounded that such stories can be told to another person with such comfort, so readily, so soon.

I love her beyond words.

And she loves me.

We don't know, yet, what all this means. We do know we're engaged in a most profound and exquisite bonding.

It's bigger than both of us, put together. It has become our Reason.

We feed each other in the healthiest, most wholesome ways possible. We mother each other. We do it with humor and pathos, sardonic comments and near-prayers.

Very few people on the planet get to experience this. We both know that.

It's as though Something far beyond, and bigger than, us as placed us here. We're both agnostics; we're both skeptics. But the evidences of some Purpose, outside our individual egos, is pretty compelling.

We're supposed to be here.

Now, we find out why.