Stupid Girls

Monday, December 05, 2011

Incest memories

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Sometimes, I necessarily must discuss my incest experiences, to explain to a new person in my life something about myself. I'm 55; I've done a LOT of work on my childhood abuse, the incest. We can cohabitate in the same body and mind now, without undue conflict, stress or pain. But, when I describe myself to someone, when I try to convey the emotions clearly, I need to tap into old parts of myself. And I really am always surprised that it hurts again. Now, it's a feeling of mourning, rather than of terror. It's poignant and sad, rather than terrifying.



I am an intense person with a very full heart & mind who has nobody with whom to speak. Hence, blogs, youtube, etc.

So, I don't want to be some new obligation in your life.

It is so cold, my wrists and ankles hurt. But we're all well and snuggling. I'm not going to film today; washing dishes is getting problematic in the cold and it's near dark; I don't want to go outside to fetch snow for melting anymore today. I won't film my kitchen with coffee grounds on the counter, crud on the stove or a pile of unwashed frying pans on a burner, so it'll wait 'til tomorrow. The bananas have 1 more day b4 they commit suicide.

I've been snooping your blog. Took me a bit to notice "BDSM" and rummage there. Don't be embarrassed or worried about my reactions.

I could never sub to a man. MAYBE a woman, a very VERY special woman, but never a man. I could never, ever trust one enough. And I've been with many. A really butch, kind hearted cowgirl, yes. Or even a very femme one; I'm not fussy. I'd feel too inept to be a dom, although I do have my assertive streaks.

I won't pretend I enjoy the word, "slave" in a consentually-sexual context. My ancestors, owned by the Crenshaw family of either North or South Carolina, could not consent. For me, there's a cognitive dissonance in using "slave" in the context of a freely-chosen role, position, relationship. So, just know that up front. U needn't defend yerself.

I belonged to a church whose minister was a dom & whose partner/wife/sub was Ms international leather...something or other. It was a Queer church, btw, that pretended inclusiveness to all paths, incl. atheism, but was, of course, dominated by xian stuff. 

I went to a few convention events. We had a fundraiser one night at a cowboy leather bar. I sold chocolate-dipped (white and milk) strawberries, while dressed in white satin & lace merry widow, stockings, garters.. the whole bit. Pat, the minister, was sure I'd b traumatized cuz I'm an incest survivor. But she's a bit of a smart ass and know-it-all, so I went, anyway and had a ball. Everyone except ONE drunken, woman-hating faggot was very polite and respectful of me, esp. when I explained I'm not into the scene. When they heard that one guy was rude, they firmly took care of him. I was treated like a pet all night.

But I have no interest in any more: humiliation, pain, restraint, submission, etc. in my own life. I've had enough, and continue to, without my consent or permission.

Some women I know say sexual sub scenes r a good way to work past incest, abuse, rape, etc. Nope. Not going to go there.

It's like my post traumatic stress: I'm so on guard, with such heightened awareness and self protection, I cannot be hypnotized, either.

I have something else to tell you, but don't want it published, even via email. it has to do with my tastes in erotica. I've been pondering how to write it, so I can't be investigated for some sexual crime by mistake. But you discuss the topic in one of your posts on pornography, in passing. 

Most porn & erotica is marketed to men, so a lot of it totally stinks, as far as I'm concerned. Within the sub-genre that interests me, this also applies. In order for me to collect a little collection of appropriate imagery, I must trudge through piles of repulsive filth that can really anger, frighten and trigger me, if I am not very careful. I approach my search for images as I do my dumpster diving and trash picking: protect myself in advance; don't go too deep in any one place, if it appears fruitless; don't linger where it's too unhealthy; search for the treasures; pull them out fast; focus on those and forget where I've had to go to find them.

I've assembled a beautiful, little slide show that I keep in a file within a file within a file. It would take much searching on my pc to find it.

I am absolutely not interested in how the person who is acting on the one who reminds me of myself feels. I don't care about (usually) his pleasure, at all. In fact, his pleasure is the antithesis of my purpose. I focus on the one who reminds me of myself, of her pleasure, of her power, of her depth of experience.

Part of being an incest survivor, she said, writing between the lines, is the shame and self blame. It's not just, "this is my fault; I made him/her do this to me; I deserve it; I'm a bad person; I must comply or get hurt/killed." And all the religious crap that was dumped on me, as well, about sin. That's all major to it, of course.

The WORST betrayal of incest, for me, is the hijacking of my sexuality. I had 3 experiences of it: excruciating pain & terror, numbness and disassociation from my own body & life, and sexual excitement and pleasure. The last has been the hardest part for me to face, embrace and incorporate into myself. "I shouldn't be feeling this" is a terrible thing to lay on a child. It is a fundamental betrayal of the most intimate aspect of a human's personality and being.

You're not stupid; you can put the rest together, yourself. While I'm worried re: Japanese sexual fetishes, even in cartoon form, for me, the images I've sourced are liberating. I get to experience that child I was and celebrate what she experienced that was pleasurable and profound, without guilt or shame. It heals her, so it heals me.

Well, that's more than u ever needed to know.

Sure am glad I met you.

what the hell's wrong with green tea from India?