Stupid Girls

Sunday, March 06, 2011

spring is coming.

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I was thinking: I don't know which is worse; oral surgeries, root canals and fillings or just having teeth decompose & pulling them myself. I think it's the former and not the latter. It's very traumatizing, invasive, alien, foreign and unnecessarily... I don't know .... hysterical, I guess. It's lots of drama, doing the dentist thing.

Letting them just fall apart happens gradually, so I have time to get used to the idea. Ok, so, for a few weeks, I can't chew on one side of my face, while a tooth socket rebels and starts to push out another one until I can loosen it and pull it out (that takes weeks of work, by the way. I just push it in different directions with a finger and finally whatever anchors it begins snapping. Then, it's not too different than baby teeth.) The ones that break are harder to cope with; they're sharp; they are open to the nerve, etc. I've learned aspirin is a very good friend: 3 at a time, every four hours. Also, I like doing things for myself, esp. with my own body. I've had too many invasions, I suppose.

I'm cranky, sad, intolerant of serious stuff people say online. I wish I had a house. I wish I could wash my hair every other day, as I used to. i wish I had a toilet.

i don't think I'm wrong for having boundaries and I don't think I'm rigid or unrealistic. I've had enough abuse to kill ten strong men, so I don't have any patience with it from folks online. I need to live in solutions, not problems, so people who insist on using epithets and the like get "unfriended" quickly. It takes me some time to work through that, and today was a challenging day.

My physical endurance is low these days. I don't have much strength, rest a lot and don't want to fight wind or cold to get things packed, built, etc. But I'm taking good care of myself, as best I can.

I made some very tasty tuna salad today and cats danced all over, cuz you know I shared. Tonight, I baked some pork "ribs." What passes for "ribs" these days is astoundingly ridiculous. Actual ribs have meat cut out BETWEEN BONES, so you're really only buying meat-flavored bones. The little scraps are mixed with sauces and sold as stew or other meat. So I don't buy ribs anymore. These "country style" ribs are actually just thick strips of pork shoulder. Baked slowly, they'll stay pretty tender, if kept moist. So, tonight I made about 2 pounds with incredible sauce: pineapple in its juice, minced onion, ginger powder, sesame seeds, black pepper, garlic, just a dusting of brown sugar, soy sauce, cardamom, savory, tarragon. When the ribs were done, I dumped in a can each of mushrooms and green beans, some frozen peas and carrots and sprinkled coconut on top. I got the coconut (shredded, sweetened) after xmas: 4 oz bags for twenty-five cents, brought them home and froze them. I feel very Hawaiian. i boiled some jasmine rice to go with. It smells like perfume in here. i have enough to last about a week at a meal a day.

I fixed up my 'fish pond,' which is a kids' wading pool. I still have the fountain Rachel bought me. it's imitation stone, with water lily mosaic in the bottom and a little fairy girl with a shell who's the fountain. I extended the pump hose, so the pump can be down in the pool and pump up to the fountain, into the fountain bowl, which is elevated on a milk crate. Fish like oxygen. And there's a little bowl with some batting in it, to use as a filter. It sounds very nice. Last time Rachel and I went shopping, I bought some "feeder" goldfish, to keep my big goldfish company. She was about an inch long last year and is nearly three inches now. As long as you keep ammonia out of their water, they'll keep growing! I also ordered some bog plants on ebay; they'll be coming soon: rushes, a primrose and something else that flowers...small plants, good for filtering fish poop.

I haven't put up the parachutes yet, as the winds have been hideous and I haven't been feeling very strong. The chutes will have to be raised and lowered, like boat sails; I don't want them in wind.

The landlord has not been back. It's been 3 months.

i think I'll take the risk of gardening, at least in my tubs. I'm even thinking of getting chickens in April. this place sat abandoned for three or four years. he's in no hurry to fix it. he'd have to take me to court to evict me. why leave, unless i can find some place right?

I'm becoming a lot more articulate. My thought processes are much more clear, complex, intricate, etc. I see things that seem to startle people. If they're not reactionary, don't immediately become defensive or take offense or dismiss me as rambling, they're really appreciative of what I'm saying and very enthusiastic. So, I'm saving a lot more of my comments from facebook onto my blogs, for safe storage. facebook is ephemeral: stuff just disappears. It's a constant feeding, rolling over. it's like there's no history; it's constantly NOW. I need history. of course, I also don't know how to type with my thumbs, either. A lot of people I know on facebook only use cell phones! amazing!

Egypt is moving right along; people are forming political parties. They wish there was more security. Mostly, everybody's ok there. There have been rumors of thugs and looting, but no actual news reports of much disruption. Libya and elsewhere break my heart. Arabia (I'm no longer calling it "Saudi"; that's like calling USA Washingtonian States or, worse, Reaganian States, and the people don't really want to be called Saudis, since it's like they're owned by the royal family) anyway Arabia is chugging along modestly but well: a few hundred here, forty there, out in the streets, protesting... which is against "Sharia law" and, therefore, Islam (yeah, sure...). It's going to happen. It will be very slow, and that's good; let people build some confidence. Arabs aren't allowed to gather, you know. It'll take a different kind of organizing to pull that one off, but it'll happen. Might take twenty years.... the young people are fed up.

The US saddens me more than any other time I can think of. I won't go into it; I'm sure you know. Progressives are just huffy and pointing fingers at the rabid, overtly prejudiced, outright sexist, racist, etc. elements. Everybody's calling everybody else Hitler, which I think is disrespectful of those who died, and survived, when he was alive. I don't involve myself in the rhetoric and chicken little stuff. I make cartoons out of news photos and post them. I try to keep people laughing, instead of screaming and thinking calmly, instead of throwing tantrums. I try to be the quiet, fun, funny, creative, inspiring place. I don't mean like I'm an inspiration; I just find positive stuff and share it. I'm sort of like aspirin: relieves fever, swelling and pain, thins the blood, doesn't cost much, isn't toxic, comes from a renewable resource. That's me: aspirin.

I don't recognize the USA now. I really don't. I'm a little disoriented. I do know there's a very efficient machine, well planned, extremely well executed, coming right at us like that tank in Tienanmen Square, and the US citizens are that guy standing in front of it. They never show what happened to that guy. I know people are TRYING to resist, but whatever that machine is, it was very well constructed. It's tearing up everything, all over the country. It has a beautifully, wickedly organized agenda, a real military operation, against us.

I will give you a link to one blog post about medical care I wrote. That Rio Grande foundation linked to an editorial in the Albuquerque Journal, "Health care is not a human right" by an emergency doctor, like an administrator or something. Here: warning: it has pictures of hurt kids. if you'd prefer, I can just send the text, so you don't have to see the pictures. but I had a very good reason for putting them there.

Well, this is probably a very long email. And I want to go nibble some pork & vegies before I go to sleep.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm still hopeful and still working hard as I can. spring is coming, some day. BOOM! I just figured it out: this is March! March 21, vernal equinox, would have been Viri Diana's birthday. That's the problem. I always forget. It's not a conscious dread any more; it's just grief, longing and regret. She would have been fifteen this year.