repost: You are reading http://livinginthehood.blogspot.com
I was so shut down. I was functional and even useful, but I was not fully alive.
This being in love with myself stuff is great!
I'm getting a lot accomplished, I look better than I have in years, I'm healthier. I'm certainly happier. I'm not clingy or needy with people, demanding attention.
In fact, I'm generous with people. I have more energy for them. I like being with them. I'm curious about their stories. I'm enjoying their thinking. I'm even enjoying their bodies! :)
I admire how they move, the lines of their forms, how they decorate themselves, even how they smell. And sound! I've noticed some very sexy voices recently: little purrs and chortles, sighs and laughter that are so beautiful!
I'm appreciating them as fellow animals, as well as fellow intellects. It's a helluva lot of fun.
It's a vibrational thing, not meaning to sound all hippy dippy. But I'm operating at a higher frequency, with more power. I'm receiving better: I'm more conscious. I'm not as clouded, distracted and muted as before. I mean vibrations as in vibrant, not as in something cosmic.
Maybe my neural transmitters are more sensnitive. Maybe the electochemistry has changed as a result of the hormonal levels. Whatever it is, I'm REALLY enjoying it!
I'm making a conscious effort, most of the time, to appreciate what I see, feel, smell, hear and taste. Food is much better, and I always had a "sophisticated palate." I feel textures better, from cloth to dirt and everything else.
My entire sensory imput is much more keen, alert.
The cool breeze, blowing through my window, is so delightful. The chicken I ate for dinner was rapturous.
I smelled a pot of cooked potatoes today. Just plain potatoes, cooked in water. And my mouth started watering like those were the best, gourmet potatoes anybody ever smelled!
I feel my body's pain, but it doesn't disable me as much. I'm still careful not to overwork or stress my body, and I know when I'm reaching my limits. And there's still always pain.
But there's pleasure, too. And that makes all the difference!
I told the Most Squeezable Butt In Albuquerque that I'm over my crush on him. He said, "well, that's good," a little too quickly to be polite. LOL
But it's not true. It's just that my sexual aesthetic is expanding outward to include others. Specific others, but othes in general, too.
I'm just relaxing and enjoying it now. I'm going somewhere with all this enthusiasm, sensuality and love. I don't kno where. I'm just letting myself experience it.
For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm considering what it would be like to be in a Lesbian relationship again, too. I'm just remembering what my experiences were, why I loved the women I was with, etc.
See, it's easier for me to hook up with men; the agenda's pretty simple: let's rub bellies. Men don't want all the processing, heavyness, intensity and intimacy women require.
Don't get me wrong: I've met profound men and shallow women.
But my experience is that women have damage they'll actually acknowledge. Men will gloss it over and won't want to address their issues, in order to contain them.
Women will talk for hours about what's intimately important to them. Men will drop obscure hints, and it's always tricky, knowing whether or not to draw them out.
I can't just have sex with women; I respect them too much to objectify them. I can only make love to women, and then only when we've become good friends.
Men? Hey, you're into it; I'm into it; let's do it! Whether we form relationship or not is not the priority.
Well, there's ONE man, but he processed almost like a woman.
But I wouldn't let myself feel ANYthing psychosexual for women for about ten years.
I wasn't even CLOSE to risking letting somebody get inside. Better not to find women attractive, lest I become drawn to one.
That's beginning to change. All of it: the self protection, the shut down, the rigid boundaries.
I'm starting to really see women again. And it feels like Home, to me. I missed loving women, and didn't even know it.
Now, I'm starting to remember and to feel.
I'm telling you: this is one of the healthiest parts of my life!
I'm really enjoying myself. And other people, too!!!
