Stupid Girls

Sunday, June 27, 2004

back to normal

You are reading

repost: You are reading

AH! Up at five thirty: MUCH better! I went to bed rather early, for me, just to make SURE I got a good rest for today's chopping/cooking festival! I feel like a new potato! Get it? never mind...

Looks like this muscle pain may need medical attention. Darn. I was HOPING it would start working itself out, but it's not. I'll give it a couple weeks' more. It'll take that long to get an appointment at that midaeval clinic, anyway. shudder...

Except for putting away dishes, everything's ready for Food Not Bombs.

We're getting a little camp stove, soon. THAT will really HELP! I'd be perfect for stir frying! I have a wok the size of Gallup, NM: takes too much room on the stove for OTHER pots/pans, but man, can it cook up a case of vegies!

I'll take a shower & stretch before the kids get here. I'm pretty sore. And I'm embarrassed at how grouchy I was last week. Pain: it sucks!

I reedited that sound file, to bring it back up to 4:30. I'm happy. That's still a minute off the story.

I want to start my art project, but it'll have to wait 'til later in the week. I just have too much to do, right now. You can't rush art. Well, you can, but who wants to?

BESIDES! I have to run to the station this week to print out some stuff to read Wed. night! My PRINTER ran outta ink!

I wish you could see my garden. It's outrageous!

I'm a little worried about the place where they took my baby: it's very tender. It has been since I started exercising. It's one of those sickening hurts, not natural. It doesn't get worse, but it's threatening. I'm very conscious of it, all day long. Those savages butchered me!

But I see definition to my belly now. I can see the muscle ridges, on both sides of my tummy, running down my torso. No six pack, for sure, but definition. And my abdomen is smaller, less portruding.

The self evaluation of looking at myself, nude, in the mirror has taught me a few things: I'm not ugly, like I thought I was; my posture was getting bad.

I was curling forward, onto myself. My shoulders were slumped, my breasts sagged, my belly portruded more than its actual size.

I make a conscious effort now to: straighten my back, keep my shoulders back & level, hold in my tummy while walking and standing.

The minute I found out my breasts really do stand out farther than my belly, I decided to keep it that way. I look better, and I feel a LOT better! I was so twisted up, no WONDER I was fatigued! Bodies aren't meant to stand like that!

I don't try to hold my belly in all the time yet. These are badly-neglected muscles, over an abdomen that has been severly traumatized. I relax while seated or lying down.

But, when walking, riding the scooter, standing on lines, etc., I'm pretty much a giant isometric exercise.

I hold tense: belly, arms, legs, butt muscles, to strengthen them and to support my skeleton better. It BURNS, baby!

The effects in my mirror are obvious: I have a full, veluptuous body; I'm not ugly. I'm Reubenesque! I'm womanly, plump, cuddly looking.

For an old broad who's sneakin' up on fifty, I look mighty dang good, actually.

I'm getting more brave about clothing, too. I'm starting to reveal more of my body, in ways that are comfortable.

I'll never be a hoochie; it's inappropriate. But I'm learning to be proud of my womanliness again.

So, all-in-all, this work I'm doing: loving myself--it's paying off. It's HARD! It's the hardest thing I've ever done! It's embarrassing and painful and I never know what to do next. And it does hurt, on so many levels, I won't begin to explain.

But I'm glad I had the sense to really try! And I'm glad I'm sticking with it, hard as it is.

I really want dance lessons! I want to feel my body moving, stretching, reaching, supporting me, transporting me.

Guess I'll start keeping my eyes open in the calendar sections of local press.

I want to DANCE!