Stupid Girls

Saturday, September 18, 2010

define pansexuality

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  • I am pansexual. I choose people to love based on a lot of criteria, but genital configuration is not one of them. I suppose one could say I choose, but I did not choose to be pansexual; it's just how I came. Learning to BE pansexual in a bl...ack/white/male/female/top/bottom/gay/straight/good/bad/saint/sinner world has been a challenge, and i dd not go through it without a few scars and traumas. But I must say I would choose this orientation, if I had the option. I hope we're going in a direction where sexuality doesn't have to be so traumatic for younger people...if I knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of self abuse, self hatred, self medicating and self denial. 'course now, i'm too old and ugly.
  • there's a wiki, but not very complete, here

    I would say that, as we become more conscious that there are more than two genders, that gender need not be predicated on genital configuration,, even within such self definitions as intersexed, transexual, etc. there are multiple potentials for self expression/identity, etc. the limiting term of "bisexual" has, in some cases, expanded, as well. True, many bisexuals may never be comfortable with or attracted to gender queers, for example, or intersexed people or transexual people. For them, the "opposite ends of the spectrum" will always be what attracts. I don't know if this is cultural, biological, a product of Madison Ave. I have no clue. I know my own eroticism has been corrupted by culturally, usually commercially, encouraged "ideal" body types. I have unlearned most of that, now that I'm five years from sixty.
  • But I also know, not believe, know that self defining as bisexual is just as limiting, dangerous and repressive to me as my former attempts to conform my sexuality with cultural demands. I, of course, tried very hard to be heterosexual as a... teen; I ended up suicidal. i then attempted to identify as lesbian, in the seventies, in los angeles, surrounded by the lesbian feminist movement. I felt tremendous guilt for any encounters with men; I felt like a traitor. I drank myself to near alcoholism. Finally, embarrassed but too tired not to be humble, i admitted I was bisexual. I was relieved and very grateful when Queer became an inclusive identity. Bisexuals are branded as sexually immature, promiscuous, confused, incapable of commitment and even dragging STDs back to the Queer community. I was having a hard time dealing with other people's assumptions about my abilities to be responsible, when they learned I was bisexual. Queer brought me back to my more radical and flamboyant roots of the seventies. And then, the Amazing Thing happened.
  • I met, and fell in love with, one of the most unique people on the planet. And i'm not using that phrase in the ordinary, I'm in love and isn't she wonderful way. It was actually terrifying: I had ABSOLUTELY no road map in how to relate to ...this person, and this person couldn't really tell me, either, for several reasons; first, her situation may be unmatched, anywhere. second, she was very traumatized around gender and sexual identities and orientations. third, people of alternate genders/identities sometimes experience what i've come to call Necessary Narcissism. just to be able to survive, to pass without attracting harassment, to get where they need to be in their own lives, they have to concentrate their total focus on only what it is they need. I have seen indications of this among a wide range of Queers, for all kinds of reasons. in most cases, it is an acute condition, which eases and passes, once the crisis of establishing one's place in the world is accomplished.
  • But this particular human being had multiple, deep, heart wrenching crises and traumas around body image, gender identity, sexuality, sexual orientation, etc. this person was born intersexed, but forced to be a boy. in adolescence, she cast...rated herself. in young adulthood, she began living as a woman and soon had sexual reassignment surgery. basically, this person has identified herself to me as intersexed, eunuch and transexual. in addition, because of her unique genital configuration, her reassignment surgery was not standard, and mistakes were made. Can you see why i was scared? I had no idea what to do, how to proceed, except to follow my gut and my heart and try very hard not to hurt either of us too much.
  • i do not feel the termination of the relationship to be a failure on my part. i feel it was one of the bravest, most honest, most profound and most liberating experiences of my life. I will always be grateful for the experience. but, becaus...e of my own behavioral health challenges, and because she really is very self absorbed, the relationship could not maintain. This is how i know that configuration of genitals is no issue for me. i broke through the ultimate barrier of human sexuality, in my experience, and just loved somebody, no matter what. i know it's possible, because i did it, for years.
  • i always thought something was wrong with me, when i'd get the hots for a drag queen, or an older woman when I was much younger, or a biker dude, or a very femme ballerina Lesbian. I thought i should choose, settle down, make a commitment. Now, I see, I did choose: I settled down to the realization that human beings can just put me in awe. i have made a commitment to that. That is my choice.
  • Am I sorry I have nobody to grow old with me? yes. But this isn't a perfect world and my reality just isn't the norm. Add to that my behavioral health challenges, and a life partner would either have to be in a coma or absentee to live with me for decades. I know i'd be more financially secure in a partnership. I might have a home. I might even have children. And oh, i wish those things were true.
  • but, I guess, I'm the Forest Gump of the Queer rights movement; i was always around when things happened, but they never really happened to me; I was an observer, a supporter. And, regarding my sexual identity, it's cliche, cuz it's true: life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you'll get.