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Friday, October 22, 2004

Stamping out rampant Lesbianism, one stall at a time

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Steve Horowitz: 'They're here, they're queer, let's vote on it'

Date: Friday, October 22 @ 10:19:29 EDT
Topic: Conservatives And The Right
By Steve Horowitz, CounterBias

Conservatives are always looking for new things to get worked up about. And Republicans are always looking for new ways to exploit their paranoia for political gain.

If it's not evolution, it's allowing women to vote and own property. Or the mixing of races and the end of prayer in public schools. Or the possibility that someone, somewhere, might take a match to the flag.

Yes, as Roseanne Rosannadanna used to say, it's always something. More often than not, it's something that requires a constitutional amendment to fix. And now it's gay marriage.

If you're like me, you've been too busy raising kids, paying bills and wondering how long it's been since you rotated your tires to worry about who carries who across the threshold. But conservatives aren't like us. Things like gay marriage are important to them. And with same-sex marriage bans on the ballot in 11 states, they could turn out in enough numbers on election day to affect issues that really matter.

Like which Yalie sits in the Oval Office.

At this point, my friends, I'm going to ask you to suppress the contempt you feel for these people and ask yourself:
What is it about homosexuals filing joint tax returns that frightens them so? Why, in the words of a Republican Senate candidate in Arkansas, is gay marriage "the most important issue, I believe, in America"?

Okay, I'm not sure either. But I know it has something to do with "the sanctity of marriage," which apparently would be violated if "best man" gets a whole new meaning. And I know it has a lot to do with "activist judges."

Activist judges, as the President has patiently explained to us, are "redefining marriage" to suit their personal views. And that would be wrong, just as it was when earlier judicial activists took it upon themselves to strike down segregation, poll taxes, literacy tests, interrogation without counsel, and laws forbidding birth control.

So groups like the Family Research Council tell us that the anti-gay referendums in 11 states were not "cooked up" just to ensure the turnout of likely Republican voters -- even though they and like-minded groups are distributing "scorecards" with legislators' gay-marriage voting records. No, they're doing it to "stand up for traditional marriage."

We should be thankful. Without the efforts of these sanctimonious people, anything could happen. Just look at Oklahoma, where, according to GOP Senate candidate Tom Coburn, "lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools... that they'll only let one girl go to the bathroom" at a time.

And Oklahoma's a red state!

You may now return to your previous levels of contempt.

Steve Horowitz is a freelance advertising and political writer living in Hollywood, Fla. His blog is Love America, Hate Bush.
� 2004

Reprinted from CounterBias:

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